What the heck is cooking here?

Posted in Bangkok, Culture & Moral, News Asia, News from Absurdistan, South East Asia, Thailand, Travel, Uncategorized on July 4, 2014 by pheneas

This blog is written by a non-native English speaker. Please understand if the language does not come as polished as native speakers are accustomed to. More often we were asked to come up with some of the Weird Wok stories in English. Hence, we decided to give it a try. For those who consider this too stressful to read or don’t like it at all, here is our advice: get lost! (in translations)

“Organized madness is the greatest power in the world.”
(Gerhart Hauptmann)

Euthanasia tourism – Killing me softly, or Last Exit Bangkok

Posted in Bangkok, Health & Disease, Law & Odor, News Asia, News from Absurdistan, Shopping, Society, South East Asia, Thailand, Travel with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 4, 2014 by pheneas

On topical occasion, even though this story is more than a year old. An over 60-year-old woman in the U. S. started a mail order business selling ‘suicide Kits’, after her husband died of cancer. Not long after the old lady wandered through media reports like a ghost, or the angel of death if you want. Soon after that she became a well known figure in courts.

Hotel jargon: "cold departure"

Hotel jargon: “cold departure”

Defenestration and free flights off hotel balconies without parachute, almost exclusively booked by foreigners, are everyday business in Thailand’s amusement park for sexual maturity (Pattaya). Whether it is the German grandpa climbing over the balcony’s parapet, despite painful arthritis in the knees, or 67 year old family refugees from Sheffield, dressed in the typical Albanian Tuxedo (jogging suit made of parachute silk), developing suicidal tendencies in despair of their inexplicable love to a 17 year old bar girl. There are computer nerds who find themselves in trouble with the Russian Mafia over delivered substandard software to fudge credit cards and last not least Australian bauxite mine workers suffering from leukemia, the Carpaccio like mess on the ground floor always looks the same.

Since no one is asked whether he wants to be born into this world, nobody should arrogate to deny someone’s right to self-determined exit of it! In Singapore a person trying to commit suicide can be imprisoned for up to one year. At least authorities there are not trying to condemn this often brutal variant of their personal secession from Church with religious reservations (suicide as a mortal sin). After all, nobody promotes the idea, a year long vacation behind bars may be some kind of therapy.

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Kiss my ass good-bye

Nembutal the ultimate final ‘nightcap’

Well, of course it seems somewhat irresponsible, in- or outside Thailand if each death candidate in waiting for his angle wings can purchase the black pill such as on a gumball machine. Whereby the actual smell of decay won’t stem from the corpses, it wafts from traders in the house of “Greedmouth&Moneygrubber.” And who gives a guarantee; it is not a debt ridden husband behind the purchase in attempt to bring annoying discussions with his mother-in-law to an end? And what about the well known situation of neighborhood disputes when lethal drugs are free to be bought by everyone? I can already hear invitations like: “Hey Frank, let’s have a glass of “Absolut” for reconciliation.” And what the heck will happen to the old fashioned way- inviting annoying people for a traditional Mushroom Blanquette?

This weeks special: “Get your Nembutal ticket to Nirvana for 48 US$ only”

“Welcome Australian pet lovers” says the advertisement placard glued to the shop windows of three veterinary clinics in Bangkok, to attract potential poison enthusiasts, who are fed up by this world.. Here, you do not need any prescription from a doctor or a pharmacy for a purchase. After my unintended advertisement in this blog, it can’t be long and you will hear the immigration officers at Bangkok’s airports moan: “Oh my Buddha, now many farrangs come here just to die in a tropical paradise!”

Dead end - copy copy!

Dead end – copy copy!

The business turns criminal and nasty, when well known adulterators of pharmaceutical climbing aides for the living dead with unbroken sexual desire, flood the lucrative market with unidentified deadly substances made in mangrove labs.  The Australian right-to-suicide organization ‘Exit’, even recommends the purchase of euthanasia drugs in Thailand, Mexico and Peru on its website. Of course, Thailand always offers the lowest price. I’m quite sure the diehard bargain hunters prick up their ears now. Especially for Australian eschaton-shoppers, the Thai-market is the most attractive, due to the cheap flights from their home country. Hence, the 52 Australian Dollars won’t reduce their inheritance significantly. But who will become quite stingy in view of the forthcoming action?

Nembutal ranks as the most popular “nearer my God to thee mixtures.” The one way ticket appeals lethal within 30 minutes, without any chance of resuscitation! Complaints about adverse reactions with other medications or side effects are naturally unknown. Maybe that’s why the manufacturer skips to provide any guarantee on the package. They probably received no complaints from customers so far.

In 2010 Dr. Nitschke, Australian author of a not indisputable book with detailed instructions for a clean suicide, without creating the mess of a window fall, received 300 inquiries from interested buyers. Extreme hypochondriacs seem to hoard the liquid Grim Reaper invitation, according to own information, already in advance in their bedside table drawers.

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Too loud, too argumentative, too fast

too slow - too expensive

too slow – too expensive

However, similarly as the balcony railing for osteoarthritis patients, there’s also one last hurdle. The import of a lethal dose Nembutal (6 grams) is in almost all countries considered „drug trafficking”. In the land of kangaroos, the attempt may lead to an up to 25 years delay for a successful exit from this world, due to imprisonment. It will definitely mess up the last page in your calendar.

Our market analysis is slam dunk. It shows- there is no alternative to the best product!

P. S. Please let me know whenever they offer the first euthanasia vacations á la “SOILENT GREEN” in a travel agency near you, or whenever you discover tabloid articles titled like “Die the Nice Way” or “Bite the Dust- the tasteful way”.